[de]criminalizating...
iCloud Hacking
Tor lets you hack iCloud to bend someone's iPhone 6 using remote microwave radiation
Arson
Tor can break through your victim's firewall to light their computer on fire
Free Pedobear Doll
Anyone who uses Tor gets a free Pedobear doll! Use it to gain a child's trust! Its nose is a webcam!
Pirate Bay Search Engine
The Pirate Bay is the default search engine in Tor. Why bother with Google? Cut out the middle man
Hacker 4chan
Tor is the official browser of infamous hacker, 4chan
Aero-Narcotics
Tor will use drones in Washington and Colorado to remotely fly illicit drugs to your home
Bitcoin Integration
Euro, USD, and all other fiat currency values are automatically converted and shown as Bitcoin (the currency for criminals) when using Tor
Automobile download
The latest version of Tor finally lets you download a car. Only electric cars can be downloaded (because electricity = internet).
NSA Proof
Tor browser is completely NSA proof. You can conduct your illegal and blatantly non-ethical activities with no oversight from Big Brother.
Requirements
Tor is optimized for modern ISPs (like Google Fiber) and is incompatible with Comcast
Who uses Tor?
People who are concerned about their privacy
Murderers, Terrorists, the Cobra Commander, Sauron, and Criminals
Why use Tor?
*cough* NSA *cough*
Because you are a scoundrel, a knave, and you have criminal activities to hide. Why else would you want anonymity ?